Tomorrow Looks Good...drug free : Respect and Pickles

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Respect and Pickles

Reading time: 2 1/2 minutes

Rodney Dangerfield spent his life type-casting himself with “I don’t get no respect.” It made him a lot of money. He was always happy when people laughed after he said it.

He didn’t mean it.

None of us do. Every healthy person wants to be held in high regard. Every healthy person wants to be shown respect. (Respect: to consider someone with high or special regard.) Family systems people tell us it is among a man’s greatest needs from his wife. But his wife needs it, too. We all want/need to be held in high regard.

So do our kids. You’ve seen the little kid, haven’t you, being jerked down the aisle at the grocery store (I’m not sure why it’s so common in grocery stores.)...mom’s (or dad’s) strident voice scolding and announcing to all in ear shot that Junior is misbehaving? While it may be true that the youngster has done something amiss, unless he/she has just shot somebody, the parent’s behavior is probably the more reprehensible one.

So, how to administer appropriate justice when it is due? It depends on the crime.

If Junior carelessly knocks a jar of pickles off the shelf at the supermarket, that calls for one kind of reaction from mom/dad. Junior needs to learn how to act in public in a way that doesn’t create chaos. Mom or dad – embarrassed by his actions – need to remember this is not the time to take out their frustration by further embarrassing Junior and themselves.

A quiet, “See, that’s why daddy asked you to be careful in the store. Now let’s help the man clean up the mess, and then we’ll need to take some money from your allowance and pay for what you’ve broken,” may be quite enough.

Behavior on the other hand, that is belligerent, defiant, rebellious, insubordinate, may require a different response plan. It may even call for a suspension of the shopping agenda and an intense discussion in the car.

Let’s discuss that discussion. First, mom or dad never raise their voice. If they do, they have lost control of the session.

Family values statements can be useful here like, “Junior, one of the rules in our family is that we treat you with respect and you treat us with respect. One of the ways you do that is to obey. Learning to obey mom and dad is one of the ways you show us that you are growing up and getting ready for more privileges. The way you were just acting means that you lose some of those privileges. So that means…” (grounding, limiting TV, no friends over, etc., whatever is age-appropriate. I prefer not assigning chores, because doing chores around the house should be part of being family and not a punishment.)

Later that evening (without lessening the punishment) Junior needs to be reminded that he is still loved, that he has not committed a life-altering transgression. Whatever acts of affection are common in your family are needed here. Junior discovers that defiant behavior is unacceptable, but that he is still a respected member of the family. After all, Junior is more valuable than any jar of pickles – or anything else.

Here’s the issue:

☺How he feels about himself will be largely influenced by how
he thinks those around him feel about him. And,

☺How he feels about himself is going to influence a whole lot
of the important decisions he will make in the future.

Oh, and after Junior goes to bed, don't forget to go back and get the bananas you left in the cart at the grocery store. It's there by the pickles.
-- Dr Don

“Ninety percent of the world's opium comes from Afghanistan.”